Sometimes when life gets hard, I tend to clam up and do nothing but complain.
When the world seems to be against me, I curl into myself and hide.
I doubt myself a lot more than I should, and I take on too much at a time.
Let's look at this school year so far as a perfect example.
In the summer of 2014, I accepted the position of OSU-OKC's Deaf/Hearing Social Club President. I also enrolled in four college classes (though one of which was cancelled, so I only ended up actually taking three). The school year started off well, though I also made a few attempts at eating healthy and losing weight to get back down at least to where I was when I got married. I haven't gotten unhealthy by any means but I did notice a little extra Krysta in the mirror and spilling over my jeans. "No matter" I thought, "I can be a nearly-full-time student, sustain a happy marriage, run a college club, lose some weight, and work." Oh, I may have forgotten to mention. During this time, we lost some dispatchers due to other jobs, bad performance, or a lack of desire to come back after leave. So, not only was I this Nearly-Full-Time Student, Devoted Wife, Club President, and Health-Guru...but I was also working 42 1/2 hours per week. Easy peasy! I am woman, hear me roar! Right?
No.
My studies didn't suffer, as they have always been my priority, but I know I could have put forth even more effort and done even better. I could have attended more social events and exposed myself to more than I did.
My husband may have forgotten who I was during those few months, or maybe even forgotten that I existed. I hardly ever saw him (at least not while both of us were conscious) and I never got to spend real quality time with him.
The club wasn't as active as I had hoped it would be, though that was not entirely my fault. Of course I always think I should have done more or I could have done better, but that club was not ultimately my fault. Really, the only thing being President of the club brought me was stress and the blues.
My health nut streak has been an on-again off-again type situation, and I have a love-hate relationship with my healthy living. Actually, that's pretty much a lie. I have a apathetic-dislike relationship with it. Sometimes I do crave a good salad, or an avocado, or a grilled chieken breast with corn. Sometimes I love going for a long walk and listening to an audiobook or the sounds of nature (as long as it's not dogs barking and chasing me). Sometimes though, I just want to sit on my butt all day eating popcorn or ice cream and don't want to feel guilty for it. Besides, who am I trying to impress by slimming down? My doctor has already told me that I'm one of the healtheiest patients she's worked with, so I don't think I can get much healthier. The only thing is for me to slim down or get in to good physical shape. But who am I doing that for? I already have a husband that loves me and my body just the way it is (or so he tells me).
I was sick of working, and felt like I never did anything else. Normally we have 5 dispatchers and a supervisor (so 6 of us in total) but in August, we were down one due to personal/health reasons. A little while later, another dispatcher left due to accepting a job elsewhere, and another was promoted to another position within the casino. That hacked our numbers down to a whopping 3. 3 people to monitor a phone, at least 13 radio channels, and anyone that decides to pop in to the office unnanounced. Some days it was fine, but others, I just wanted to punch a wall...or a computer screen...or radio...or maybe just yell really loud. I had to work extra hours to help out until we could hire more dispatchers, and full time is technically 42 1/2 hours a week. While the money was nice, I had no free time whatsoever, which only assisted in my husband forgetting what I looked like.
So why did I take on so much last semester, and why on earth did I think it could get any better this semester with 4 classes?
Yes, I did go back to my regular hours at work, but 38 hours is still a lot.
Plus, I am not actually starting to take interpreting classes and working on becoming an interpreter.
Also, it's only getting warmer, so Hubby will only want to ride his bike on the nice days, which takes out that time that I could potentially be spending with him as well.
I've decided to take my cues from Elsa, and just "let it go".
At least...with some things.
My schooling is still very important to me, and excluding my marriage, it is my top priority. So I will cling on to my education.
My marriage is most important to me, and I am lucky enough to have a husband that understands that our situation is temporary, and makes the best of the time that we do get to spend together.
I will not let the club go to the point of failure, but I've already quit worrying about what will happen when I resign at the end of the semester, and have already made it known that i will not reclaim the position in the Fall. I can only do so much to keep the club alive, and if the members do not share my enthusiasm, then all I can do is feel sad for them and the loss that they will no doubt experience when the club does in fact fail next semester. However, I have to brush this off my shoulders, as it was not my doing that will bring the club down. It takes more than one person to run a successful organization, and try as I might, I am not Atlas and I cannot bear the weight alone.
It has been confirmed that I am healthy, and I feel healthy. The only reason I wanted to lose weight before (realistically) was to look good, but to others. Even when I was at my lowest on my wedding day and on my honeymoon, I still felt "fat". I don't think I will ever be OK with my appearance, and stressing myself out about a few pounds or a couple of extra calories isn't worth it. My husband makes me feel beautiful, and that's all I need. I wasn't trying to lose weight to be healthy, I was doing it for vanity. I need to break that, and accept the way I am. There is nothing wrong with how I look, and so long as I remain healthy on the inside, who cares what the packaging comes in? My health is what matters. I need to understand this. My weight has always been a sore spot, but it's never been outragious. Besides, who cares about the number on the scale other than me? NOBODY!
I've decided to make a conscious effort to remove the unneccesary stress from my life.
I need to add more smiley faces, more laughs, more hugs, more encouragement, more friends, and more love.
We all need more positivity, but I need to truly embrace the positivity I have already, and make a conscious effort to find more.
It helps that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'll have a week off in March to see my family.
So what's your positive throught of the day?
